The loss of "My Best Friend"

I Don't know what else to do right now but write. It is what has always kept me sane.  
Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my dog, Allee.  While most of you will think "it's just a dog.. get over it", Let me assure you that it is not that easy.  
Not ever having a dog growing up, but being a huge animal lover, I did not know what to expect when we decided in October of 1999 to get our dog.  The story goes, we looked in the paper and found someone selling them, Rob surprised me ( on a Buffalo Sabres Hockey game night... of all things) and said well let's go see them. We drove that evening all the way out to North Collins.... When the pups came out.. there was just something about this particular little fuzz head. Not the biggest.. not the "most beautiful" but something about her. She cried and puked the whole way home.... We should have known at that point!! LOL

This is the only baby picture I have of her BC it was all before the "digital" age.  As I said, I never had owned a dog, but make no mistake of how quickly I fell in love with her.  She was SUCH a naughty puppy.... she got into and chewed everything. Our Coffee table had rounded edges when she was done with it, I had very few shoes left... etc. Of course, after some time we realized that most of that was because we both worked and she was home alone most of the time and bored.  She quickly earned the nickname "Mud" because she loved getting dirty.  Most weekends would end with her looking like this After having to take a bath all the time.

 Jump ahead a while and she became the Stick and Frisbee queen.  She loved nothing more than going out back and running after the stick we threw....and then quickly becoming distracted and chasing down whatever other scent she found in the fields. We often used to laugh and joke about how we would just see her tail wagging in the fields as she did what she loved to do.  It soon became obvious that she was quickly becoming "My Dog"... IDK how it happened but she was always happiest with Mommy.  

She loved Daddy too....

Anyway.... Allee was my Thunderstorm Buddy, and by that I mean that we were cowering, shaky, scared of storms together. I NEVER, EVER have liked thunderstorms, and have always been afraid of them, and to find that my "best friend" was going to be a baby with me? WOW!! Granted..... she went to LITTLE more extremes than me, but still.  As she got older she would get really sick for days whenever there was a storm, and I would stay up with her no matter what assuring her that everything would be ok.... thus helping me through some bad storms. My kids were never afraid of storms, I never had to comfort them, but this baby... WOW.

She loved to snuggle in bed with us....

I will move on... When it became clear that the time was near that I was going to have to say goodbye, I swore that I would never keep her here for me, I would always do what is best for her. I feel like I stayed true to that.  When it became evident that she was not going to recover from her latest ailment, I decided, ok let's go, and we did.  I will not get into details because I believe that it something very private; but when the time came, she went in 6 seconds... SIX seconds. Now tell me, who was holding onto whom? I just hope and pray that in her last weeks she was not suffering. I don't think she was. 

That all seemed like the easy part now. Now is the hard part. 13 years of having a routine with her and knowing her every move. If i got up, she got up, if I sat dawn, she sat down.... if I had popcorn, she would be right there. She went out with me every morning to have coffee.  Today was the first time that didn't happen. I feel like I am missing something every time I move around. She isn't there. She was the most neurotic and crazy dog, but as I quickly found out, many many people loved her.  She was "Allee Dog"!!

As I move on without her, I will cherish all the memories with her,  I think that we gave her a great life, and I hope that she thought so too.  It is so damn hard... This HAS to be the worst part of pet ownership. I have heard that there is just "Something about that first Dog"..... It is soooo true. 

She will forever hold a place in my heart.

"Stephanie's Miss Allee Baby" was her AKC name... 
"Allee Dog" is who she became - August 1999 - July 2012

"Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives."

A Letter I Could Write to Myself

The idea that you could somehow read a letter that you wrote to yourself for yourself to read as a kid from the perspective of being an adult.... Without the use of time travel and crazy dreams... lets give it a try....

Some of my fondest and most "teachable moments"


First I would tell myself that as a kid and you have a kid sister ( or brother ) , you ALWAYS stand up for her/him even though you still do the lame things that older siblings are known to do.  You know this because some day your sister will be your best friend and that is something that should be cherished.   Your Mom will most likely be right about most things in life ( not ALL things.. just most) ... This is not something that you will realize until much later in life.  You always have to remain Daddy's Girl.. that will come in handy some day.  Although it will NOT come in handy for senior skip day when you want him to tell your Principal that you were home sick, rather than at Darien Lake having fun with your friends.  This will result in detention until graduation day. 

In 6th grade you will have a teacher that takes the time to care about you.  Most kids will not like her because she challenges you, but know that this teacher will help you greatly in life.  She will take the time to announce to the class that you were the only one that received a perfect score on a science test that you worked your butt off studying for.  You will always remember the feeling of this moment as a feeling that all kids (big or small) should have the opportunity of having.

In 7th grade Home Economics class DO NOT start the test without reading all the questions first...

The terribly mean kid in your homeroom class that bullies everyone has a horrible home life and is crying out for attention... this will go unknown all of high school and he will eventually not be in school anymore...

In 8th grade you will lose your 26 year old Uncle to cancer.  You will watch your Mother and Grandmother go through more pain that anyone should ever have to.  You will always wonder if you spent enough time with him, if he really knew you as a niece.. as you get older this takes on a greater importance in your life. When you turn 26 you will think about this being Craig's last year on earth.  So much more life.... ( this is when you will really start to question the "right and wrong" things and why things happen the way they do. )

When you are asked to the Prom by someone that you don't really know, and have no real "attraction" to        ( you will find out later in life that there is a reason for this :) ) , go anyway because he will become your best friend in school, and you will have some of the best times of your life together.  You will tell your kids of all the fun you had together and that accepting someone for who they are is all that God ever wants ( no matter what you hear otherwise).

Your sophmore year you will have a decision to make, after a football game, of weather or not you should ride with someone that you shouldn't, and you will make the right decision.  I am pretty sure the parents that had to come and get their kids that night at the station wished they had made the right decision. Sometimes walking home or calling for a ride is the best thing.

You should, however, this same year go cliff jumping.... JUST for the mere fact that you can respond "yes" when asked if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you? YUP.  

In English class in 11th grade there will be a kid that always made the teacher mad... always antagonized her... ( this is a teacher you will have great respect for ).  One day this kid will make fun of the teacher and the teacher will make fun back ( stupid childish stuff which makes you lose a little respect for her ), take note of this and try to be a person that maybe asks the kid if everything is all right or if he needs some help, because in about 4 years, after you are married and have a child, he will die of cancer and you will always wonder if he was truly happy while he lived. 

You will struggle with your school work your entire high school career.  You don't like it, you hate math, you hate science and could care less.  You should care.  You will, however, love English.  Take more pride in this rather than feeling like you are an outcast because you like Shakespeare and Wordsworth.  You will have children that are extremely smart, and you will wish that you had paid attention more and remembered more... Ask yourself any song lyric from the 1990's and you will be able to recite it... but a math formula or science experiement.. forget it.  Song lyrics will NOT someday help your children with school, or you in life.

Jason will break your heart and you will break his heart a number of times, it will seem like the end of life as you know it, you will live.   A year seems like such a long time when you are 16.... life will go on.

your senior year in high school your best friend will decide that for some reason she is done being your friend and decides to give you the cold shoulder leaving you feeling very alone.  Of course this is a time when you don't take everything home with you like your kids will someday.  What happened in school stayed in school.   She decided that she was going to be friends with other people that you didn't like.  You will try WAY too hard to remain her friend....she will think that she is "excluding you" in her doings, but in reality you will be becoming very good friends with the above mentioned prom date.  Someone that you still talk you. The best friend will not even invite you to her wedding, and you will not really have much contact after you get married.  This should seem like a bigger loss... but it isnt.  True friends are true friends... that is that.

You will be asked about college... what do you wanna be? You will have no idea.  You have no desire to go to college.  Later in life you will receive a degree after you are married with two kids.  I really don't know what to tell you about this....you wont want to go to college after school and later you will appreciate it more when you do it on your own.   

You will graduate in June of 1993.  It will be as hot as hell that day.   It will not be as big of a deal as you think it will be.  By that, i mean the ceremony itself. Take it or leave it.  My grandparents, however, came to my graduation and this is the last time i had a picture with both of them.

Treasure this picture.  As grainy and blurry as it is, it is the last one you will have with your Grandmother.  She will pass away in less than a year after this is taken.  So no matter now hot it is, or much you just don't feel like taking pictures, do it and love it.

Do not move out when you have the chance, it will not turn out well and you will relive this choice for the rest of your life.

Skip ahead a few years to where you find yourself on a blind date with someone you met through a DJ on a radio station when you called to request a song.  The line will be busy.. call back.  This person will have a year and a half old daughter and had just gone through a divorce.  Is this the person you will spend the rest of your life with? You love how he takes care of his daughter and you become really good friends before anything else. You will talk for hours on the phone, you will become really good friends.  You will find yourself, pretty soon, in a place where you have to tell your parents you are expecting.  You will think that your father will disown you ( which is a thought that will make you sick when you think about it after that)... he will not disown you. 

You will get married and have two beautiful daughters with him plus his daughter and 14 years later you will start to think about writing a letter to yourself.......

14 years and counting

William Wordsworth once said "How does the Meadow flower its bloom unfold? Because the lovely little flower is free down to its root, and in that freedom bold."  I thought of Emma when I came across that today.

Today my "baby" girl turned 14 years old. FOURTEEN!!!!  14 seems to sound so much older than 13, maybe because i can distinctly remember being 14.  Emma is very lucky, she is smart and beautiful and it comes so naturally to her.  I don't have to harp on her to do her school work, she just does it. Her teachers seem to sincerely enjoy her as a student ( I think when I was her age they just said those things to be nice), she seems to have a good handle on what she wants to do when she grows up ( of course, at 14 that changes from week to week).

I remember her as a baby with her beautiful big blue eyes and her perfectly round face. She had a ton of hair and she was a good baby.  She was very advanced for her age ( which i know all moms say).  She would go to the Dr and recite her favorite little book "The Pokey Little Puppy" (it was a shortened version).  "He snips a stwaberwee, wed and sveet" (He sniffs a strawberry sweet and red.... the previous was her adaptation)... I remember it like it was yesterday, so how could it be 14 years??  IDK...

I wish for her to be her bright beautiful self. I wish that she follows her heart.  I hope she gets to do the many many things i never did, and i hope she remembers to send pictures to me.

Happy Birthday Emma!!

Change of Plans

Tonight we were supposed to have Audrey's Aunt and Uncle over for dinner and after i had made the whole dinner they called and said that they couldn't come because of a problem they had at the house. I didn't get mad or upset. I invited my parents (even though i felt bad because i felt like they received a consolation prize) to dinner, and they came. We had a great dinner.  Great dinner and great bottle of wine.

Audrey went to her friends house for the weekend and Emma is going to my sisters house tomorrow night and i was feeling bad for abby because she never gets invited too often to places with her big sisters.

My mom mentioned maybe we could take abby to dinner tomorrow.  I, then, started to think about abby and what makes her happy.  It doesn't take much.... A game of Darts with daddy... a shopping trip ( she calls it mommy daughter day) to walmart for hair goodies... putt putt with grandpa.. whatever... easy to please. I started thinking about Abby and taking her to dinner at Applebees tomorrow for dinner.. the thing that would make her the most happy is getting the balloon at the end of dinner.

I started to think of what it must be like to "just want to get the balloon". how simple. how sweet. how innocent.  How great would the world be if we all just wanted to "get the Balloon" at the end of it all.  Behave.. be nice.. eat your dinner and you get the balloon. I am always yelling at the older girls for texting at the dinner table... for interrupting.... "it is my friend and I not me and my friend".... whatever things may annoy me at the time. Abby is not immune to this either.. i can get annoyed by her.. Maybe we should all have balloons to get at the end of the day.  Maybe life would be better.... maybe?

And so it goes...

ANOTHER job interview today.... Hopefully this time it is as advertised and i don't spend the day in the ER because of it... ( you may think that was sarcasm, but sadly it isnt).  Granted i have been less than forthcoming with my kids about why i am not working right now, i dont want them to get a preconceived notion about a job that i didnt have the ability to do, but that takes VERY dedicated and wonderful people to do. 

This morning Emma asked me "Just what time DO you work these days". I told her that i am looking again and have a meeting this morning and was interrupted by Abby saying "Is it a faculty meeting?" ( apparently that is what kind of meetings all the teachers at work go to) Emma jumps and says No and I jump and say yes. Easier for an 8 year old to understand.  Where i then said to Emma "I am going to use all of my Faculties to nail this interview and get this job"  I received a blank stare.. maybe she is still thinking about it... i doubt it. 

Last night abby had us sign her spelling test that she received a 105% on and Audrey happened to be walking through and said "God i am glad that we dont have to take spelling tests anymore", Rob replied "well, can you spell?" and i interrupted this time and said NO!!  None of them can, which is about to lead into my next rant about technology and how kids dont have to learn to spell anything anymore and the lazy way they communicate with each other.  I dont have time right now because of the aforementioned "faculty meeting" that i need to get ready for.  

Monday Monday....

It is 7:44am on a Monday....

Let me start with the 8 year old...
* Did YOU remember to sign my agenda?
* Did YOU remember to fill out my picture forms? This is a 21.00 project for us
* I need a check for lunch money. a 10.00 project
* i need the cereal that we hid so i could have some (yes this is true... a box of cereal lasts 3 hours in this house and if you want some in the next day you must hide it... this goes for adults as well)
* Dont forget i have dance tonight

The 16 year old :
makes an appearance at 7:35am
Yesterday she tells us
* I needs APUSH review book.. you can get it on amazon (ordered it for $11.33)
*5 mins later says OH i also need APUSH review cards from amazon ( ordered from amazon 5 mins later, also for $11.00 ish missing the chance to order both at a discounted rate....)
* I will also need SAT review book and money for SAT which i will have to take at Clarence BC the Akron one is full BC there is only 60 some spots ( there are over 100 kids, WHY is there only 60 some spots??  THAT is a question i will get an answer to soon)
* Where is MY Tennis Try Out info envelope?  (quickly found after redirected to massive pile of lost paperwork on the floor... this not a new pile) Of course nothing is filled out because i was waiting to find some info out.. still dont know that info, but i filled the paperwork out anyway in 5 mins while 16 year stood and starred at me.  She proceeds to leave and i say "you have your tennis racquet right? NOPE... at this point she also informs us that she is going to need new better sneakers so she isnt sliding all over....

The 14 year old :
does not make an appearance untill 7:48 while the truck is running waiting for her to get in... comes down in the same clothes she has on yesterday ... wherein i DARE ask "have you changed your clothes since yesterday where i get "told" ( we will use the word "told" ) YES MOM.. GOD. She is not wearing socks... wherein i DARE ask "are you wearing socks?" where again, i will use the word "told" WHY WOULDNT I WEAR SOCK? as she is shaking what i am pretty sure are dirty socks.. but whatever...

So between yesterday and this morning we have spent 53.33.. this does not include the aforementioned sneakers that "may" be needed and all the SAT "stuff"...

Oh and by the way.. Gas is at 3.69 a gallon and i drive an SUV that gets 14 miles to the gallon.. HAPPY MONDAY ALL!!!
I also need a new job... AGAIN, Happy monday all!!

Wouldn't trade my life for anything.. keeps me "The Young and the Stressfull".. Right?

Let's get this party started....

Writing a blog is always something i wanted to do, if nothing else, as a way to ease the stress of everyday life. Of course my sister went and did it first, so now i need to catch up and actually follow through on something (not that there is any sibling rivalry issues here..hehe). 

I am a thirty something mom of 2 and a half. The half is my husband's 16 year old daughter, Audrey, that has recently moved in with us on a permanent basis. Not that i am trying to make her seem anything less than a whole person. One has to be very clear about these things when you live with teenagers. Our 14 year old daughter, Emma and our 8 year old Daughter, Abigail.  That's right... three girls under the age of 16, two of which are teenagers living under one roof.... no stress there. 

I met, dated and married my husband within 10 months and was expecting our first child, Emma, when we married.  I often wonder if marrying when i was young was a mistake. I know that it has made my life MUCH harder financially, we have never really gotten our finances to a point  where we are truly "safe", but we do have a very loving home and we work and try very hard to bring our children up to do better than us.  I feel that we have a very loving home. THAT all being said.....

The Young and the Stressfull..... What is young? Am i young? Are my kids young? Well, of course i am young.  I am "cool", you know.  I am up on all the latest "Fads"... right? hmmmmm.....

Abby, the 8 year old.  Often referred to around here as "our last hope" (she says in a funny... yet semi serious way).  She is still cute and loving and looks to us for guidance.  NEEDS us to make her life keep working. That is promising.  She still does little girl things... plays with toys, colors with crayons and enjoys family time.  Plays soccer and really enjoys it because it is still "fun" and not uber competitive.

Emma, the 14 year old. This is the last year of Middle School.. Thank GOD.  Middle School.. who the heck came up with that whole idea? Put the kids that are the most hormonal and emotional into one school all together all the time and let them have at it.  Good idea!!!  Girls are SO understanding with each other at that age.. so kind and compassionate... (you will soon sense my sarcasm all on your own).   She DOES NOT need us to make her life keep working.

Audrey the 16 year old. Junior in High school.  High school seems much better than middle school. It seems that kids kinda have their "routine" set, their friends pretty much stay the same. However at this stage there are Class rings, semi formal dresses, prom dresses, cars, permits, licenses, sports and fund raisers.... and this is just the first one of the three.  Granted with Audrey she just recently moved in with us and she has a lot of help from her family to pay for many things. We have gotten off pretty easily with her with extra things.  Grocery bill not so much. 

more to be continued soon...